Leo Dimilo
Tonya Lachey
Denise Gabbard
Dianna GHow do you approach the subject of bulimia?
July 11th 2007 05:46
Help! Advice needed -
I’m in a bit of a dilemma here. A girl at work (recently hired by yours truly) is reportedly bulimic. A couple of other coworkers had heard the unmistakable sounds of her retching in the toilet cubicle and have noticed that she goes to the toilet after every meal without fail and spends about twenty minutes each time. Whenever she comes out, she doesn’t look guilty when she’s asked, “Are you alright?” and merely replies brightly, “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”
I remember when an acquaintance of mine told me she was bulimic, I froze and I had no idea what to say and what to do. I knew she was waiting for me to say something comforting because I saw this as a sign that she was asking for help, but I felt utterly uncomfortable - and even changed the subject! Luckily, she’s over that now but it was definitely no thanks to me.
I know bulimia is a serious problem and the last thing I want is to be caught like a deer in headlights again. I feel responsible for this new girl and now, everytime she goes to the toilet, I have to resist the urge to get up and follow her. Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, already assuming she is bulimic when she could be suffering from a slight bout of food poisoning. But if the time does come if or when I discover she is bulimic (and, let’s face it, no one can have food poisoning for three weeks!), what should I do? Should I confront her about it? What do I say? What advice can I give her? And, above all, is it my business?
I’m in a bit of a dilemma here. A girl at work (recently hired by yours truly) is reportedly bulimic. A couple of other coworkers had heard the unmistakable sounds of her retching in the toilet cubicle and have noticed that she goes to the toilet after every meal without fail and spends about twenty minutes each time. Whenever she comes out, she doesn’t look guilty when she’s asked, “Are you alright?” and merely replies brightly, “Yeah, I’m fine. Why?”
I remember when an acquaintance of mine told me she was bulimic, I froze and I had no idea what to say and what to do. I knew she was waiting for me to say something comforting because I saw this as a sign that she was asking for help, but I felt utterly uncomfortable - and even changed the subject! Luckily, she’s over that now but it was definitely no thanks to me.
I know bulimia is a serious problem and the last thing I want is to be caught like a deer in headlights again. I feel responsible for this new girl and now, everytime she goes to the toilet, I have to resist the urge to get up and follow her. Maybe I’m jumping the gun here, already assuming she is bulimic when she could be suffering from a slight bout of food poisoning. But if the time does come if or when I discover she is bulimic (and, let’s face it, no one can have food poisoning for three weeks!), what should I do? Should I confront her about it? What do I say? What advice can I give her? And, above all, is it my business?
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Comment by katyzzz
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But, you can ask, as you're the boss, and suggest medical attention for starters, and say it is disrupting her work.
You'll have to be aware of official work practices, discrimination laws, counselling etc and I suppose that depends on where you are physically located.
Proceed with due caution and care.
It's a tough one, does she take more time out than a smoker perhaps?
She's not going to like it.
I had a young woman staying with me once who seemed to have the affliction, but she was seeing a doctor and fortunately did not stay too long before going back to live with her mother.
Not much help, was I ?
katyzzz
Comment by Aimzster
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Comment by David
Personally?
The next time she went to the toilet, I'd order a swag of takeway from McDonald's or Hungry Jacks, sit in the toilet cubicle next to her, and hold an imaginary mobile phone conversation along the lines of:
SFX: Munch,munch.
"Look Jon, I don't have a lot of time to discuss this problem. I'm eating burgers to put on weight because my metabolism is all over the place at the moment. No matter how much I eat, I just can't put on weight. Over and above that, I'm trying to take a bog in the toilet and attend to an important document from the HR department about employees who have psychological problems, and someone in the next cubicle is throwing their guts up. Can I get back to you?"
Then ring another imaginary person and say:
"I've eaten so much this morning. I've weighed myself countless times and I just can't seem to put on weight. There's definitely something wrong with me. There's only one solution. I'll eat more."
Then flush the toilet a few times and say things like, "Oh come on. Disappear! For God's sake!"
Shock treatment (without the electrodes?) it's underrated. Just pretend you didn't know she was there just like she's pretending she doesn't have a problem.
That's the best I can come up with. (I suppose you could do a performance review if that fails).
Comment by Aimzster
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David, if I don't come up with anything, I'll try it your way. I'll let you know how it goes.
Comment by KylieW
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Wow, I'm sorry I don't think I have anything valuable to add here. I would say that if you were to confront her, she'd probably be defensive and perhaps even aggressive. After all, if you're her boss your only concern should be whether she does her job properly or not (at least I assume that's the tack she'd take).
And the truth is, from a working point of view. Her possible eating disorder isn't your business unless it affects her performance at work (I'm in HR). So you can't be seen to treat her differently as a result of this. Which does beg the question, is this affecting her performance?
Should her performance not be up to standard and she require performance counselling, you may be justified to bring it up as a possible cause for her lack of performance. While Katyzzz suggestion above is said with good intent, you need to be VERY careful about how you approach it, otherwise you'll end up with problems on your hands (it could be seen as harassment or discrimination).
You can't bring it up as something that is affecting her performance unless it actually is (and until you have her word on it, you don't know that she even is bulimic). All you have so far is hearsay from other workers. You have to demonstrate that this persons work is below standard and go through the performance counselling process that your workplace has in place. You can't be seen to be discriminating against this girl for any psychological problems she may have. You can only judge her on her performance. And you need to make sure that you have the hard facts to back up her below-standard performance.
If it gets to that stage, talk to your HR people about how to handle it. After all, before it gets to written warning stage, you should be talking with her and you could raise the issue of whether there are factors outside of work that are affecting her performance. And have to be guided by her in what she says. You may have the best of intentions, but the truth is that from an employers perspective, you can't force someone to do anything as long as their performance is up to the standard that is expected.
However, I would say that you could possibly approach her, not as a boss or co-worker, but as a friend and ask her if anything is wrong. I'm not sure how much good it would do though.
Sorry for the long-winded reply. I just didn't want you sitting down with this girl in an official capacity and saying anything that could come back to haunt you.
Kylie
Comment by Aimzster
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Thanks for your advice. You raised very good points and it's actually helped. You're right, first and foremost, I am her employer and I think my guilt over failing to help out the first girl who asked me is overriding my responsibility as her manager. Besides, we haven't come to the point where we're sharing and disclosing personal information. Her performance to date have been up to standard and I can't complain. If it wasn't for the word going around that she is bullimic, I also would have thought that she had no problems with her weight at all - it was never brought up. Many other girls at work are known to groan "There goes my diet!" but she's never made any remarks like that. I think I'll wait until 1) She's confirmed it herself that she is and 2) Our relationship is on a more personal level where I'm comfortable enough to sit down with her and talk to her about it. Thanks, Kylie.
Comment by Dianna G
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I think the best response to that, if they want your help, is probably just to ask why they do it... like ask if the rest of their life is OK, and you know, that sort of thing...
Comment by D. Armenta
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Plus you wouldn't be "liable" for saying anything directly to her as the boss.